There’s always pressure on me to act a certain way.
Running this website, talking about things like gratitude and happiness, I feel I always have to practice what I teach 24/7.
I should always be content. I should always be grateful for what I have. I should always make the right decisions or tackle my fears head-on.
But the truth is, I fall flat of my ideal self too.
Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what gives me the right to tell people to be optimistic when there are often days where I want to do anything but?
I’m deathly scared of being called a hypocrite. A fraud.
I wonder what people think of me.
Days like these, I’m so drained that I don’t want to socialize. I’d rather sit in my corner of the coffee shop and focus on my laptop.
I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. I didn’t know what I was doing when I was in high school or college. No idea what I was doing when I started this site or moved overseas.
But each and every time, I kept going. No matter how pointless things felt or how shitty my day was going, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Kept breathing in and out all day.
I’ve done bad things. Things I thought I never would.
And I didn’t feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would. Hey, I learned a little something about myself.
I know that I’m rambling a bit today. I’m hoping you read this and a lone sentence connects with you in a way nothing else ever has before.
Excuse me as I continue my rambling.
I’m going home soon and it terrifies me.
I’m scared of what my mom’s side of the family will say. I fear the questions they will ask and I know I can’t be straightforward in my answers because they’d never understand.
So I’ve been hiding away on the other side of the planet, postponing the interrogations that were bound to catch up with me.
All these thoughts are running through my mind on a near daily basis.
Whatever is going on through your head I want you to know that life can still be pretty amazing, regardless of what’s going on.
I’ve got thousands of worries and insecurities. They don’t stop me from enjoying myself though.
That’s the key. Let the thoughts be background noise if they really want to be. Just don’t let them control you.
Is it hypocritical because I just mentioned above that I stayed overseas to avoid uncomfortable conversations with half of my family about what I’m doing? Maybe. But perhaps I wanted to be out here anyway.
Life’s pretty good, you know? Despite the downs and the worries, life’s simply beautiful.
It’s an odd feeling when you dig yourself out of a mental slump after remembering that everyone else on earth is struggling too. It’s liberating because it’s a reminder that you’re not alone in this journey.
If someone out there can be happy even while living an imperfect life, so can you and I.
And that’s what gives me strength to keep living as best as I can.