Debunking the Pickup Artists’ Negative Reputation
Whoa, did you feel that? It was the rush of a thousand women as they all simultaneously picked up pitchforks, lit their torches, and vowed to never return to Self Stairway due to the misogyny of this post. “Pickup artists?! What are you thinking?” Now hear me out before I get crucified and lose my readers.
Apparently, pickup artists (PUA) aren’t all pretentious jerks who want to use sleazy methods to seduce “easy” women. I came across this article while reading Ramit Sethi’s words of wisdom and this really interested me in the topic.
Naturally, I conducted a bit of research and look, I came out just fine! I didn’t transform into some sort of fist pumping guido with a no-shirt policy (okay, maybe it’s because I’m too thin).
What I’ve learned is that these are all just normal people with the desire to better themselves as an individual. PUAs aren’t relying on pickup lines, tactics, and lies to get women to sleep with them. This comes as much as a shock to me as it does to you.
Don’t get me wrong there probably are tons of people out there who are manipulative and have bad intentions, but the entire community has a terrible reputation that is undeserving. It’s not all about how to pickup girls. In fact, women can also apply all of their advice to better themselves as well! Their advice is universal.
They’re more like people who help others like themselves out, teaching each other how to approach women, how to appear confident, how to listen, etc. That doesn’t sound too bad. Here are some things that can be learned from the self-improving advice of the community that we can all apply to our own lives
1. Outcome independence
Pickup artists coined a term called “inner-game,” which essentially boils down to your self-esteem; it’s about what you think and how you value yourself. One of the most important cornerstones of their philosophy is that to be successful you have to be outcome independent.
What that means is that you have to not expect things to happen your way all the time because you win some, you lose some. You go in not expecting anything and great things will happen. It’s all about the mindset. You can’t always get the girl.
Back when I first started college, I was on fire. I was approaching many girls, getting my name out there, and getting numbers because I actively sought these spontaneous social interactions. After a few weeks my momentum died down and there were days where I didn’t get any numbers, resulting my in me kicking myself over and over. It bothered me when I didn’t get the results I wanted but this is exactly what the pickup artists try to get us to avoid.
Life is exactly like that because things aren’t just going to show up on a silver platter because you expect it to. You also can’t keep feeling disappointed because things aren’t always going your way. Sometimes you just have to try without expecting too much. I think these guys put a lot of thought into the psychology of both women and the men themselves because that can be pretty eye opening.
2. How to gain confidence
From what I’ve gathered PUA are big fans of “fake it till you make it” and I don’t blame them. It is a mindset that often times works. They believe if you fake it enough, you eventually reap the benefits of this newfound confidence, which in turns results in actual confidence boosts.
For example, while you are faking confidence, other people subconsciously pick up on it and begin to treat you better. Since you were accustomed to a certain level of respect prior to faking it, you also pick up on these subtle clues, which in turn makes you actually confident since all of a sudden you are being treated like a king! It is an interesting cycle that only makes you benefit more and more.
Confidence helps you in every aspect of life: whether it is communication, public speaking, or asking out that girl that is standing across from you as you read this article.
If you’re wondering how you can fake confidence then just imagine someone you find confident and emulate. Notice their posture and body language. It’s very sure of itself and open. Start standing and sitting taller, no more slouching, and walk with authority.
Don’t mumble when you speak or talk softly with your throat. Really demand respect when you talk and sound sure about everything you say. Don’t hesitate to speak up for yourself either.
3. It’s better to try, don’t regret
How often have you spotted a beautiful person that we immediately notice and feel attracted to? Then the scenarios begin to run through your head about how awesome it’d be if you could just walk up to her and say…
Wait, what happened? Oh, she left. Damn…
PUAs encourage people to try to at least approach the girl even if all you do is ask for the time. Hell, even go direct at times and straight out ask for the number without even discussion. It is better to have tried and get rejected than walking around regretting and thinking about what may have been.
How many times have you put on hold your desires and aspirations? You only end up regretting inaction for many days later and then you run around with a regretful mind. It is better to have tried and failed (or even succeed) than to not have even attempted it.
There can only be two results, you don’t get it or you do. If you don’t even attempt it you automatically default into the former. That’s terrifying because you lose without even trying.
4. Diminish negative thoughts
I can’t tell you how often I talked myself out of something because I kept thinking negatively. I was projecting negative opinions about myself onto others, making the assumptions that others thought badly about me even though they didn’t know about me! How ridiculous is it that I’m making assumptions for them? I was in my own head, convincing myself that I’ll look like an idiot before even testing out my theory.
The pickup artists preach that you should remove all negative thoughts and just get in there. What good does thinking about what could go wrong do for you or how others won’t respond well? It lowers your confidence, it makes you want to leave, and ultimately it makes you feel horrible about yourself.
Adopt a more optimistic lifestyle and your overall happiness increases in the long-run. The pickup community seems to have a lot of lingo and terms, but I actually like some of them such as “abundance mentality”. Abundance mentality is basically thinking in terms of “plenty of fish in the sea”. If you strike out, it’s alright because there are tons of other people you can meet. Don’t fixate on one person!
Remember there are plenty of new opportunities every time you are disappointed. Why stay stuck in the past? Stop time traveling, stay in the present and enjoy the possibilities open in the future. Start taking chances like never before.
5. Become resilient to rejection
When life knocks you down, you’ve gotta bounce back up. There was a period of time when I was down and stayed down for a very long time due to some emotional trauma. I felt the world was against me, I felt like every door I tried to open kept getting shut in my face, I even contemplated trying things I promised never to try because nothing was going my way. Then one day, the sky opened up for me and my mind just cleared, without having to do anything I would have regretted. I became resilient.
Something interesting happens to guys who get into the dating game; they give up after a few rejections and they call it quits. You know how people say dating is like a numbers game? Well, pickup artists believe in a variation of that. Basically keep approaching women, get rejected over and over, and you can only improve from there. Even after some emotional turmoil and you feel at your worst, you’ve got to be able to bounce back without losing yourself no matter what.
When it comes to dealing with rejection, you practice several things. You improve with talking to women as you try more often, you get used to the idea of not always getting what you want, and you learn to be resilient so you don’t drown in self pity.
Resilience translates well into all aspects of life. It’ll make you less prone to stress and anxiety, it will make it easier for you to get back up after a horrible breakup (don’t sleep around though), and just better prepare you for most of life’s hardships. Resilience is often overlooked, but I think it’s a vital component to living a good and happy life.
6. Become an active listener
Somehow, this may be one of the most surprising things about the community during my misconceptions. PUAs actually listen and they teach others to as well!
I can’t speak for all of them, but a lot of the people I read were advocates of making her feel like she’s being listened to. Maybe you can argue that hey, maybe he’s just trying to get in her pants by making her feel vulnerable!
At that point, I’d say you’re just nitpicking.
Active listening is amazing and most people don’t even do this with their closest friends. It establishes rapport, creates comfortability, and usually leads to genuinely interesting conversations. I could even argue that active listening is one of my most valuable skills.
Meeting new people comes easy once you learn the art of listening because it truly is an art in itself. Practice active listening by truly engaging in the conversation, asking insightful and open-ended questions, and show them you’re listening by using eye contact and nodding.
7. Get out and have fun, even when you don’t want to
We all have those days where we’re just dead tired, not wanting to do anything. Suddenly I feel like Bruno Mars is going to break through my walls and start singing “The Lazy Song”. No, that’s different I love days where I can just lie down and relax; I begin enjoying the peace as I absorb the previous week. Then I can even sneak in my daily journal and meditation. I think that’s healthy.
I’m talking about when you just don’t want to go out and enjoy life because you’re scared or lazy. The pickup community stresses always getting out of the house to meet new people, men and women, even if you don’t want to. PUAs call it increasing your social proof.
Everyone has days where they’re just miserable and for some reason you shut down all plans. You isolate yourself, you drown in self pity. Stop, just get out of the house and enjoy yourself because you deserve it. Don’t make up excuses or delay, just get out and do something.
All in all, PUAs are philosophers and actual self-help gurus. Maybe their goals may be a bit skewed at times, but a lot of the people there have good hearts when it comes to self-improvement. Take what you want from these so-called pickup artists. I know I’m going to absorb the good and filter out the negative.
As always, thanks for reading and I hope you remember to subscribe and leave a comment below here!